The Trailer For Concussion Looks Amazing

Finally it looks as if West Philadelphia’s Will Smith is back to making awesome movies. Looking at his IMDB page he hit a rough patch around Hancock and is just now bouncing back. I mostly blame that fuckboy son of his Jaden. I probably wouldn’t be at the top of my game either if the thought of having create that little shit was always in the back of my mind.

But onto the movie itself. I’m not familiar with this director but it looks like he put together a good cast. Will Smith, Alec Baldwin, Albert Brooks, and Mr. Eko from Lost. I have high hopes for this one. Hopefully this will be Smith’s comeback movie.

On the other hand the NFL is not gonna like this one. It blows my mind that this guy even had to come out with this research. Is it really that surprising that maybe the biggest athletes in the world smashing their heads together with helmets that are glorified battering rams eventually turns their brains into soup. That seems pretty obvious to me. But real dick move releasing this trailer right on the cusp of football season. I know these guys are maiming themselves but I don’t want you to throw it in my face.


Ronaldo Dropped 43 Grand On A Statue Of Himself

In a move that would only be bested by Alex Rodriguez’s sadly fictional painting of himself as a centaur, soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo has shelled out $43,000 for a statue of himself, according to The Telegraph

The waxwork is modeled after the one that Ronaldo already pays an obscene amount of money to keep meticulously groomed while it’s on display at the Madrid Wax Museum. The Real Madrid player commissioned the same sculptor who is responsible for his original statue. “We still had the mold that we’d used to sculpt him in 2013, so this copy was a complete duplicate,” the statue’s sculptor Michael Wade told The Sun, according to The Telegraph. “And Ronaldo sent us a football kit and his latest boots to make it up to date. We left the hair alone, because that’s exactly how he wanted it.”

(Went with Clerks 2 instead of the original to avoid any man-pubes)

You know what the most ridiculous thing is about this crazy act of vanity and narcissism? This is the SECOND wax statue Cristiano Ronaldo has of himself. 2 statues. How small is this guys dick that he has too overcompensate to this level? He’s one of the best soccer players in the world (or so I’ve heard, not a big footie guy) and he needs to do shit like this? If I were him I’d be too busy disappointing supermodels to worry about shit like this.

This strike me as a move that Dennis Reynolds would 100% pull if he had the means to do it. Total sociopath move.

Donald Trump: Mogul, Big Fan Of Hitler

According to a 1990 Vanity Fair interview, Ivana Trump once told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that her husband, real-estate mogul Donald Trump, now a leading Republican presidential candidate, kept a book of Hitler’s speeches near his bed.

“Last April, perhaps in a surge of Czech nationalism, Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, My New Order, which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed … Hitler’s speeches, from his earliest days up through the Phony War of 1939, reveal his extraordinary ability as a master propagandist,” Marie Brenner wrote.

Pressed on it, Trump answered exactly as Trump would:

When Brenner asked Trump about how he came to possess Hitler’s speeches, “Trump hesitated” and then said, “Who told you that?”

“I don’t remember,” Brenner reportedly replied.

Trump then recalled, “Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of ‘Mein Kampf,’ and he’s a Jew.”

(DISCLAIMER: I’m anti-Hitler for the record. Hot takes only)

So what you will about Trump (Hitler) he got results. You don’t get that close to ruling the world by being a bad orator. Hitler may have been a methed up hate monster but apparently he could hold a room. I understand why Donald wanted to learn from the best but given the stigma that surrounds the Donald (that he’s a racist) maybe Mein Fuhrer is not the horse you want to hitch your wagon to. Though taking tips from the losing side of WWII has yielded surprisingly good results in the past:

A+ move by Trump though deflecting any antisemitism allegations by dropping that his friend a JEW gave him the book. I get it Donald, you are friends with a Jew exactly for that situation. I don’t live with a black kid because we are friends. It’s so I can drop his name whenever any sketchy racial shit comes up.

PS- Donald, just because your friend is a Jew doesn’t mean he can’t be antisemitic.

A Company Is Paying A Dude $40 Per Poop

It’s the middle of the day for Eric, a 24-year-old research assistant at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and nature is calling.

Eric leaves his job and hops a train. Then a bus. Then he walks some more. He passes countless toilets, and he needs to use them, but he doesn’t.

Eventually, Eric arrives at a nondescript men’s room 30 minutes away from MIT. A partition separates two toilets. There’s a square-tiled floor like in any public restroom. It’s unremarkable in every way, with one exception: A pit stop here can save lives.

Eric hangs a plastic collection bucket down inside the toilet bowl and does his business. When he’s finished, he puts a lid on the container, bags it up and walks his stool a few doors down the hall to OpenBiome, a small laboratory northwest of Boston that has developed a way to turn poop from extremely healthy people into medicine for really sick patients.

A lab technician weighs Eric’s “sample.” Over the past 2½ months, Eric has generated 10.6 pounds of poop over 29 visits, enough feces to produce 133 treatments for patients suffering from Clostridium difficile, an infection that kills 15,000 Americans a year and sickens half a million.

To donate, Eric had to pass a 109-point clinical assessment. There is a laundry list of factors that would disqualify a donor: obesity, illicit drug use, antibiotic use, travel to regions with high risk of contracting diseases, even recent tattoos. His stools and blood also had to clear a battery of laboratory screenings to make sure he didn’t have any infections.

After all that screening, only 3% of prospective donors are healthy enough to give. “I had no idea,” he says about his poop. “It turns out that it’s fairly close to perfect.”

And that, unlike most people’s poop, makes Eric’s worth money. OpenBiome pays its 22 active donors $40 per sample. They’re encouraged to donate often, every day if they can. Eric has earned about $1,000.

“It takes us a lot of time and effort to find these donors,” says OpenBiome’s research director, Mark Smith. “When we do find them, we want to keep them as engaged as possible and really want to compensate them for their time.”

Why is Eric’s poop so valuable?

A hundred trillion bacteria live inside your gut, some good, some bad. When patients take antibiotics for infections, sometimes they fail to work; good bacteria gets killed off while bad bacteria — C. difficile — grows unchecked.

The life-saving bacteria from the guts of people like Eric can help. When their healthy microbes are placed inside the intestines of a sick person they can chase out harmful C. difficile bacteria. It’s called a fecal transplant. The treatments are administered bottom-up, through a colonoscopy, or top-down, through a tube in the nose.

OpenBiome’s poop donors have created about 5,000 treatments, and the organization says the results have been stunning. Stinky human waste is an astonishingly simple cure: 90% of the patients get better.

“They’ll actually have this really transformational experience where they’ll be going to the bathroom 20 times a day and then have normal bowel movements sort of immediately or the next day,” Smith says.

The organization’s fecal transplants cost $385 to purchase and are providing a treatment to more than 350 hospitals in 47 states.

At OpenBiome’s lab, technician Christina Kim, working under a fume hood that sucks up odors, pulls the lid off Eric’s collection bucket and demonstrates how she turns poop into the life-saving treatment.

“It’s nice that this room is actually closed off because this is where the smelly part happens,” she says.

She examines the consistency of today’s offering. A nearby chart has descriptions and illustrations for seven types of stools. It was developed by a hospital in Bristol, England, as a visual guide.

Not all poop is acceptable.

Types one or two, defined by the Bristol Stool Chart as “like nuts” or “lumpy,” are too dry to process into a treatment.

If a donor’s stool is “mushy” or “watery” — that’s a type six or seven — then it can’t be used because it could be a sign the donor has a gastrointestinal infection.

The perfect poop is type three, which is “like a sausage but with cracks on its surface;” type four, which is “like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft;” or type five, “soft blobs with clear-cut edges (passed easily).”

“It’s actually an established medical chart,” Kim says with a chuckle. “It’s very important.”

Maybe it was the hot sauce he used on his quinoa and cheddar cheese casserole last night, or the banana and peanut butter he ate with a bowl of bran flakes and almond milk for breakfast, but Eric’s stool is type five, just barely acceptable for processing.

Kim scoops the feces into a clear plastic bag and adds a saline solution. For two minutes the bag sloshes around inside a machine called the “jumbo mix.” The fiber in Eric’s stool is filtered out, and what’s left behind is a liquid teaming with helpful bacteria.

With a pipette, Kim transfers the watery remnants of Eric’s poop into 250 ml plastic bottles. On average, one stool donation fills four, but today Eric’s impressive half-pound sample fills seven. One bottle equals one treatment.

The 133 treatments Eric has provided won’t be distributed until he’s passed a secondary healthy screening. For now, they sit frozen in quarantine inside a giant freezer.

Most donors head on their way after handing over their sample, but during today’s visit Eric asks if he can see the treatments he helped create.

Cool air blasts his face as Kim opens the freezer. His jaw drops at the sight of his icy brown bottles, which look like frozen chocolate milkshakes. The bacteria inside them is still alive, cryogenically preserved at -112°F.

“That’s fantastic! Holy cow!” Eric says, beaming. “It’s unreal. I never thought I would be staring at my poop frozen in a freezer destined to help people across the country. It’s really cool.”

But did he do it for the money? The ridiculously easy money?

“Not at all,” he says. “It’s a nice perk, of course.”

If you’re inspired to donate like Eric, you have to live in the Boston area. And you may have to wait. Some 6,000 people have already signed up. OpenBiome usually invites about 50 people for interviews every week.

“It’s easier to get into MIT and Harvard than it is to get enrolled as one of our donors,” Smith says. “A lot of our donors are pretty excited to take something they do every day otherwise and save people’s lives with it.”

Boy do I feel like a fool. I’ve literally been flushing money down the toilet. Who knew that a company would come along that would turn my turd cutter into a money printer.

I was literally just saying the other day about how much I love pooping at work (assuming decent bathroom accomodations). In that moment you are literally being paid to poop. But this takes it to a whole new level. It’s seem pretty above board too. I’m sure if I trolled Craigslist I could find some dude to buy my shit but I imagine the scenario being a whole lot creepier.

This gives me a whole new look on life. In college we had a roommate who always peed in Gatorade bottles in his room even though his bedroom was right next to the bathroom. At the time I thought he was just a heroin addict who would get so high he couldn’t move but who knows? Maybe he was just monetizing his piss. He may have been less a Howard Hughes and more of a Frank Abagnale.

PS- Never forget:

Philly Bros End Their Fight By Hugging It Out

Well that took a turn. This has to be fake right? Like what could either of them possibly have said that would turn a fight into a hug it out situation? And both at the same time too.

I hate that this happened in Philly. You’re getting get every idiot who thinks he’s a laugh riot saying something like “this is how people greet each other in Philly.” Hilarious stuff, really witty. I’m going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this one, just like the Hitchbot hoax. Especially since it’s basically a plot point in a South Park episode.

Michael Vick’s First Pass As A Steeler An Absolute Bomb

Looks like Ron Mexico has still got it, at least when it comes to arm strength. That being said it’s still very weird to see Vick wearing a Steelers jersey. Odd move by the Steelers too, pairing date-rape Roethlisberger with dog-murder Vick, probably the most hateable QB depth chart in history. Still I respect Vick for still getting paid to be an glorified clipboard holder.

Japan Comes Back To Beat Pennsylvania 18-11


SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, Pa. — With more than 42,000 fans cheering against them, the Tokyo players found themselves down eight runs in the first inning of the Little League World Series championship game against Lewisberry, Pennsylvania.

That brought out manager Junji Hidaka’s inner Yogi Berra and sparked a record rally that saw the Kitasuna Little League pound out 22 hits in an 18-11 comeback victory in a battle of undefeated teams.

One team. That’s all I’m asking for. One of my teams to win something. The Phillies season is a tire fire, the Sixers are going to suck out loud again this season, and the Birds have literally never won a goddamn Super Bowl. The universe could have thrown me a bone here and given me a Pennsylvania championship belt that would have perked me up a bit but ultimately doesn’t count. But instead the Japs came back from an 8 runs lead and dropped an 18 run A-bomb on Williamsport. Devastating stuff.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I thought that the LLWS was a double elimination tournament and thought this would be a best of 3 series. This doubled my disappointment and really put a kibosh on this Pearl Harbor->Nagasaki->Hiroshima: Game 1->Game 2->Game comparison I had cooked up. But when you’re beat your beat so I guess I have to tip my cap to the boys from the Land of the Rising Tentacle Porn. Here’s a tribute in the form of a borderline offensive song from the 80’s.