Bevo The Longhorns Mascot Dead At 13

Steer Dead

Bevo XIV, the Texas Longhorns’ mascot, died today. He was 13.

Bevo, what a life lived. Taken from us too soon (or maybe not. I have no clue what the average life expectancy is for cattle.) It’s nice that the last game you got to see was an upset victory in the Red River Shootout. One of your last memories Charlie Strong’s absurdly long finger:

Now Charlie Strong will eat Bevo in his entirety to gain Bevo’s life force, as is tradition.

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Malia Obama Busted Playing Beer Pong

…And? She’s a high school senior, of course she’s playing beer pong. Oh no, is she riding in cars with boys and smoking jazz cigarettes? Grow up, internet.

I’d actually be more worried if she wasn’t drinking in high school. The kids who didn’t drink in high school were always the ones who were the biggest train wrecks freshman year of college. High school drinking is like the training wheels period of drinking. It’s much harder to get booze in the first place and when you did you had to make sure you didn’t get too shitfaced or you’d get busted by your parents. Speaking of, I give major props to Malia for losing her Security Service. If underrated DCOM My Date With The President’s Daughter and the First Kid taught me anything it was that those guys are in big trouble if you manage to sneak away.

PS- Her Muslim dad is probably super pissed at her for drinking. Gotta start leafing through your Quran, Malia.

Indy Bakery Selling Deflated Football Cakes And Broken Phone Cookies

colts-fans-deflate-cakes-pats-deflategate

Well Indianapolis figured out a way to lose this one before the game even started. Regardless of whether the Patriots tampered with the balls you need to let it go. Colts fans are acting like the Patriots bitchy girlfriend bringing up something that happens ages ago whenever they feel like. The rest of the league has moved on. This is how the rest of us feel about deflategate:

All this proves is Brady and the Patriots own buttloads of real estate in the Colts heads.

PS-Smart move by this bakery knowing your audience and giving them what they want even if it is embarrassing. These cakes could taste like absolute garbage and Indiana yokels will buy them just to show how much they hate the Patriots.

Australia Is Considering Renaming Their Currency Dollarydoos

Due to global commodity prices plummeting, the Australian economy is struggling. That’s why we need something to stimulate the Australian economy and that something is changing the name of the Australian currency to ‘Dollarydoos’. This will make millions of people around the world want to get their hands on some Australian currency due to the real life Simpsons reference, driving up the value of the Australian currency. If the leaders of this great nation have any common sense at all, they will introduce legislation to parliament to change the name of our currency as soon as possible.

Any other country and I say this is stupid. France? Get out of my face, ya cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Canada? Be softer you moose fucking maple chuggers. But Australia gets a pass. Australians live in a Mad Maxian hellscape where pretty much every type of wildlife is actively trying to kill you. Venomous spiders, snakes, sharks, crocodiles, Mel Gibson if you’re Jewish. You can call your money literally anything and I’ll just look you in the eye and say “whatever you say, Mr. Dundee.”

I may be a bit biased because I’m a huge fan of the Simpsons and Bart vs. Australia is one of the all time funniest episodes ever. Up there with Marge vs. The Monorail and and Mr. Plow.

Lamar Odom Update

According to both Entertainment Tonight and USA Today, Odom was able to open his eyes today and communicate briefly. A source told ET that Odom was asked if he wanted to see his kids when he opened his eyes and was able to communicate “Yes.”

Finally some good news coming out of the Lamar Odom camp. Still a long road to recovery obviously but its a glimmer of hope in a terrible situation. I don’t have the most sympathy for a millionaire who’s in the hospital for doing too much blow and dick pills and having a week long fuck fest but the guy clearly has addiction issues. I don’t like that he’s mixed up in this Kardashian bullshit but like SVP summed up perfectly on his show he should be thought of as a ballplayer first.

Because in his prime Lamar was really a special player to watch. He played an integral role in two Lakers titles and earn himself a 6th man of the year award in the process. At 6’10 he was able to bang with the bigs down low but had the ball handling skills and passing of a point guard.

I’m glad to hear he’s doing better and hopefully this is a wake up call for him. Especially since I made a joke about him and Coach Sark being each other’s sponsor before I found out how serious this was.

Another Embarrassing Wheel of Fortune Fail

I already think less of you if you prefer Wheel of Fortune to Jeopardy. Jeopardy is for winners, the Wheel is for mouth breathers who can’t hang with the trivia hounds like Ken Jennings and Arthur Chu and this psychopath

But this is next level stupid. It’s a reminder that Wheel of Fortune has an infinitely better business model. Jeopardy makes you take a test to be a contestant and only takes the best of the best. Wheel of Fortune makes you upload a video. They’re not looking for people who are going to dominate the puzzle they’re looking for pretty faces to put asses in the seat. Meanwhile Jeopardy has had this walking nightmare fuel on numerous times:

Jeopardy produces the better product but Wheel Of Fortune has the better business model.

Donald Trump Sex Dolls Now On Sale

Syrian artist Saint Hoax claims not to pay much attention to the vitriol that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth. But last week, the presidential hopeful made some comments on Europe’s refugee crisis that he couldn’t ignore: If elected, Trump said that he would send all Syrian refugees in the U.S. back to their war-torn country. Because the refugees could, Trump opined, be “a Trojan horse” for ISIS. Saint Hoax is responding with a satirical project involving blow-up sex dolls made to look like Donald Trump. For $39, you can own a Trump of your very own, to do with as you see fit. Proceeds from the sale of the dolls, all made in China (obviously), will go to the UN Refugee Agency to provide blankets, water, dry clothes and food to Syrian refugees. “I’m hoping to raise enough money to show people how a blow-up Donald is actually more useful than the actual Trump,” the artist told The Huffington Post in an email from Lebanon. In addition to dissing the candidate, Saint Hoax sees the dolls as a metaphor. 

This is a bazillion dollar idea. Trump is literally the most polarizing person in the internet streets right now. He may be leading the Republicans polls but do you know how many millennials are going to buy this as a gag:

“Haha get it I’m political. I get to fuck Donald Trump” -Guy who secretly does fuck the Trump doll because it probably feels good.

I know one guy who is 100% going to buy this:

I always assumed Trump yelled out his own name during sex and this is just the natural progression from there. Some Trump on Trump humping is inevitable no matter what he says about it publicly.

Anyone with half a brain is trying to monetize from The Donald’s meteoric rise to power. You’d be stupid not to.

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