Mike Tyson Known As “Guy From The Hangover”

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It’s been more than 10 years since Mike Tyson’s last fight, so you could forgive teenagers for not knowing he ever was a fighter. If Tyson gets recognized these days, it’s for being the guy with the face tattoo in The Hangover movies. During an interview in this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated, Tyson told SI’s Jon Wertheim that a whole generation of people doesn’t even know he used to box. 

You run into some kid, this is a real humbling experience. I went to this high school. Six hundred kids in the room, 700 kids, maybe 1,000. They had this big screen, giant, 10-by-10. They were showing the kids some of my fights because they didn’t know who I was. They just thought I was an actor from The Hangover. So [the teacher] had to explain, No, this is who he was. They didn’t know. This one guy, this little Mexican kid, said, ‘I think my grandfather told me about you.’ [He laughs.]. Never in my life am I going to forget that. You talk about a humbling experience.

That headline makes me feel older than any 25 year old has any right to feel. Mike Tyson should be remembered for what he was: an absolute savage in the ring, a complete lunatic out of it. The last great heavyweight boxer, a video game character, a man who bit a man’s goddamn ear off, a violent rapist, the human-embodiment of the face tattoo.

 

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Not remembered for a cameo in a movie series that went to shit faster than a Tyson fight. I guess that’s just the way things go though: Gene Wilder is the “oh really” meme guy, Michael Jordan is the guy that cries when teams lose, and Paul McCartney is that out-of-place old lesbian in the FourFiveSeconds video.

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Mexican Police Find Drug Bazooka

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Mexico’s National Security Commission announced over the weekend that federal police officers found a panel van kitted out with an air compressor and a metal tube nearly 10 feet long that they believe was used as a bazooka to blast packets of narcotics across the border into the United States. “The van has a cut in the roof toward the back,” the commission’s press release on the discovery states, “to allow the tube to be used to launch projectiles, possibly from close to the border into the United States. The van was found abandoned on Saturday in the town of Agua Prieta, Sonora, across the border from Douglas, Arizona. It had no license plates, and according to the commission, it had been reported stolen in Hermosillo, some 220 miles south of Agua Prieta, on July 1. Whether hidden in cargo, carted in tunnels, via drug mules, catapulted or carried by drones, illicit drugs are smuggled into the U.S. through a dizzying array of means. Authorities believe that traffickers have been using homemade cannons since as early as 2012. According to Business Insider, packets of crystal meth, cocaine and marijuana that might have been fired from them have been found on the U.S. side of the border.

Mexican Drug Bazooka is something you’re racist uncle mumbles under his breath at Thanksgiving dinner after 1 too many Manhattans not something I thought would actually exist in the real world. At first I thought I was still drunk from last night (spoiler alert: I was) when I read that headline. As if drug smuggling wasn’t cool enough these innovators are firing goody bags over the border like goddamn Wile E. Coyote. Mexico isn’t sending their best because they are too busy building Heroin Howitzer on the other side of the border. The wall just got 10 feet higher.

The lesson here is that adding guns to a situation always makes things better.

PS- Dibs on Mexican Drug Bazooka as a band name.

 

Hamburger, Hot Dog Finally Fuck/Have Kid

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As one door closes, another one opens. Today marks the break-up of Brangelina and the inevitable pairing of two of Americas most patriotic foods. The fact that we thought of using chicken as bread and tube steaks as crust before these two barbecue staples got together proves that at the end of the day we are all just big dumb animals.

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The fact that this unholy amalgamation of cow and pig parts came from Australia instead of the United States is embarrassing. We’re not even manufacturing our own cardiac arrests or colon cancer anymore. Sad!

As far as taste goes I think I’m out on this mashup. Much like the separation of church and state I need to enjoy my burger and frankfurters individually so I could put the proper toppings on each. I’m sure some minor league stadium will jump on this sandwich (sandwich?) combo fast though.

Mayweather vs. McGregor Not Happening

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Retired pound-for-pound champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. said he gave it a shot, but there will be no fight against UFC featherweight champion Conor McGregor. “I tried to make the fight happen between me and Conor McGregor,” Mayweather recently told  FightHype.com. “We wasn’t able to make the fight happen, so we must move on.”Added Mayweather: “I feel honored to be the biggest name in MMA and in boxing, and I don’t even compete no more.” Last month, McGregor said he had interest in fighting the former five-division world champion, who retired from boxing in September 2015, as long as Mayweather could come up with the appropriate funds for the crossover fight.

“Right now, I have Floyd running around the Showtime [Network] offices gathering my money. That’s what he’s doing,” McGregor said on Aug. 15. “He’s running around the Showtime offices, begging those executives to come up with the $100 million cash he needs to fight me. As soon as he gets my money, we can fight.” McGregor, 28, is under contract with the UFC, and any potential fight against Mayweather would have had to involve a co-promotion or the UFC’s blessing.

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Well, that’s a real kick in the dick even if it’s not surprising in the least. As someone who has been punched on the face a whole bunch I would’ve loved to see this fight play out. UFC is doing just fine but boxing needed this to hold on to it’s last shred of relevancy. No one gives a flying fuck about the sport of boxing. I consider myself a pretty well rounded sports fan but I couldn’t come up with a single title holder off the top of my head. Tyson Fury may have a comically on-the-nose name for a Heavyweight Boxer but he’s not putting asses in the seats. The biggest names in boxing right now are a homophobic Filipino congressman, a retired wife beater with a learning disability and a Mick who competes in a different sport. Not a good look.

As always the problem here is all about the money and I don’t really blame either side here. These guys both want what they think is owed to them and a huge ego is practically a prerequisite if you want to compete at the highest levels of the “getting punched in the head/choked out” business. There’s also the possibility Mayweather just flat out doesn’t want to do it. He can’t read but maybe even he can see the writing on the wall and doesn’t want to fight someone 11 years younger and 20 pounds heavier than him. There’s no shame in staying retired and enjoying the millions of dollars and dozens of brain cells he has left but damn that would’ve been an electric fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canadian Teacher Told Student To “Lick Her Where She Farts”

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A potty-mouthed Dunnville teacher who slipped into foul territory before is facing new charges. Dunnville Secondary School English teacher Jennifer Elizabeth Green-Johnson allegedly told a student: “Why don’t you lick me where I fart.” And, according to the Brantford Expositor, Green-Johnson has been a frequent flier at the Ontario College of Teachers and the Grand Erie District School Board’s disciplinary committees. Most recently she was suspended for 30 days last January for professional misconduct. Among the most recent allegations that date to 2015:

  • She slapped a student on head, called him an idiot and told him to “grow some balls.”
  • Green-Johnson allegedly called one student a “bloody pedophile”.
  • Reportedly told a female student she “looked like a frumpy old lady today.”
  • In the earlier disciplinary action, she slammed her students as stupids, idiots, gay and a “bitch”.

Green-Johnson was also brought before the teacher’s college in 2007 but the charges were not substantiated. The tart-tongued teacher has also repeatedly been disciplined by her school board with disciplinary letters and suspended with — and without — pay. And it appears her students aren’t terribly fond of her. On ratemyteachers.com most commenters slam the red-headed hothead although several are favourable. One comment from 2015: “Awful teacher. Bully to all students thought [sic] years. Swears at students all the time, and laughs if you don’t know the correct answer.” And from 2004: “Very unprofessional…..She should never be allowed to teach ever again…she is worse than a bully… immature.” She is suspended without pay.

Why lie? I laughed. A teacher telling a student to lick her where she farts is objectively funny. My only problem with it is I think she got the quote wrong:

The question is whether this molder of young minds was getting results. Parents might not like seeing how the sausage gets made but teaching is tough and not a lot of people want to deal with teenagers’ shit while making as much as a janitor. Nowadays, where even the homeless have at least iPhones 5 it’s got to be near impossible to keep a horde of pubescent monsters’ attention for longer than a few seconds. I don’t know how calling a student a bloody pedophile could help in the learning process but worst case Ontario you have the classes undivided attention now. So until I find out how her kids were testing, I’m going to reserve judgment on this elementary school Jeffrey Ross.

#TrustTheProcess

PS-Hey Jennifer you’re Canadian; it’s “PLEASE lick me where I fart.”