Liberals are at a loss as the person they elected to represent their entire worldview posted a picture that may be perceived as a threat against President Donald Trump. “I don’t know what to say. We can all agree how influential Kathy Griffin both in Washington and Hollywood.” an anonymous Snowflake said. “She’s a huge force in politics and her career is obviously skyrocketing right now. She certainly speaks for all us, is what I’m saying.”
“It’s really unpresidented, believe me, nothing like this, and you can ask people, smart people, they’ll tell you, has ever happened. I can’t imagine someone in such a position of power condoning violence.” President Trump said. “This is the most unfair any politician has been treated this unfairly. Plus she’s an ugly, I wouldn’t even move on her like a bitch. And she sucked on Reba.”
A cautionary tale unfolded Monday when a family visited their grandmother for the first time in months, finding the elderly woman who lives alone had gnawed off her dead cats’ faces. Local grandparent experts were not as surprised as the general public seemed to be.
“Everyone likes to think their grandma actually loves them but to be frank, your grandma would eat you and your loved ones in a second if you stood between her and survival. They are natural predators.” warned one geriatric zoologists. “They didn’t make it through the Great Depression playing nice.”
Infamous Twitter goofball Mike Huckabee has been hinting lately about dipping his toe into the political arena. Popular among both young racists and grandparents-you-wish-you-never-taught-to-use-Twitter. “I can relate to his jokes because they don’t seem to understand what’s going on but they are scared and angry. That’s my sweet spot.” related your adorable racist grandma.
“He just get’s it, he’s not one of these libcucks, worrying about things like joke structure or how abbreviations work.” added Harper, pledgemaster/visor owner. “Funny just runs in that family like that hilarious prank his son pulled.”
Many are questioning whether Huckabee is too old to enter politics, failing to recognize he’s actually only 61 years old, likely do to Huckabee resembling Kevin Spacey with Nixon’s jowls.
In what animal rights groups such as PETA are lauding as a historic victory following Blackfish-related backlash, SeaWorld announced today it will shut its doors permanently to become the world’s largest seafood restaurant. “This is proof that we really can make a difference! We can contribute society!” said Harmony Phillips, a protester who is “still figuring things out” according to her parents.
When reach for comment on whether or not the shift to a seafood restaurant was at all problematic a millenial seemed to grow bored. “Oh my gourd, are we still talking about that?? That is like 3 internet stories ago.” the owner of a Kony 2012 shirt said. “I’m either for outlawing bigamy or making it mandatory. I haven’t finish this important Twitter thread from one of my outrage consultants yet so I’m not sure.”
The news that initially shook the golf world over the Memorial Day Weekend has been softened by a much more reasonable explanation, following the discovery that the PGA’s golden boy Tiger Woods and Hooter’s spokesman John Daly had swapped bodies. “I was the sports biggest star, beloved by the media and fans alike. I was an utter perfectionist; you think I’d throw that all away to have a bunch of Denny’s waitress pee on me?” said the real Tiger.
“The real Tiger, the one in John Daly’s body, has been trying to tell us about this since he won Insperity Invitational in early May.” a PGA official admitted. “We just assumed John was drunk as usual. Honestly, this wouldn’t be the first time Daly had attempted identity theft.”
“You play with the hand your dealt, and when someone or something turns you from a fat, perpetually sunburnt has-been to the peak athlete in your sport you don’t question.” The real Daly explained, between drags of his cigarette. “I went from banging the ugliest girls at the bar to banging Denny’s 6s. The lower mileage on the old booze Brita didn’t hurt either.” He added, pointing to what reporters assumed he thought was his liver before winking.
Scientists are baffled by what may have caused this body swap. “Maybe they accidentally switched balls during a lightning storm.” One idiot theorized.
Ivanka Trump is not the only member of the Trump administration gracing lifestyle magazines these days. Divorced Dad Quarterly has made the no-brainer decision to place the White House’s resident drunk uncle on the cover of their magazine. “He really is a perfect representative for our brand. The messy divorce, the somehow-sorta-connected antisemitic rants. The glossy, yellow blood shot eyes, the gin-blossom nose, the perpetual stubble. Not since Season-3-of-Friday-Night-Lights-Buddy Garrity have we had someone who so perfectly encapsulates what we as a magazine stand for. He’s a real deadbeat piece of shit is what we’re saying really.”
An attempt was made to reach out to the White House Chief Strategist but Bannon was reportedly busy drunk dialing his ex-wife and mumbling incoherently about “zionists” while leering at Jared Kushner.
The internet is abuzz with the most recent weight loss trend of shedding pounds by shedding organs. The movement seems to have started with Skylar Thome, a millenial Youtube star/baffling success story. “It all got started when my dumb grandpa got his kidney removed and lost hella weight lol. He got skinny af. He looked AMAZING at his viewing.” the convicted vapist said. “I first got my wisdom teeth and tonsils out. That was easy but I wanted to look into what else was taking up room. My idiot doctor wouldn’t take out my gallbladder or my kidney because of “the hippopotamus oath” or some shit. Luckily, doctors down in Rio are much more chill.”
Dr. Oz, the Surgeon General appointed by President Donald Trump, has raised some eyebrows within the medical community by endorsing these frivolous and downright dangerous procedures. “Medicine is not a science and nobody likes a fatty.” Oz commented. “Organ removal is the new tapeworm!”