Sean Spicer, the lone Catholic in the Trump administration was unable to attend the international field trip after he failed to provide a signed permission slip from his parents. Spicer, a man of devout faith was visibly distraught, pleading with the President to allow him to meet the Holy Father. “I’ve been a good boy! I take the fall for all of your missteps!” the White House whipping boy said, fighting back tears.
Pictured: Two Jews, A rapist, and the Pope, walking into a bar, presumably
Ultimately the Pro Wrestling Hall of Famer/Current President refused to yield to Spicer’s begging. “I don’t see what the big deal is. This pope guy gets zero tail.” The President said.
In a jarring transition Snapple, a giant of the tea and juice industry, has chosen to print alternative facts on their iconic bottle caps. “You mouthbreathers don’t even take the time to fact check the Commander in Chief, why should we bother having accurate Snapple facts? What even is the truth anymore? Who’s to say if “fidget spinners actually cause lupus” or “the scientific term for a group of gingers is actually a gaggle?” You shitpigs, will pour our diabetes water down your facehole regardless of what we print under the cap.” said a spokesman for the company.
The Snapple Lady, who was very, available for comment added, “remember me? I’m the frumpy lady that makes Lena Dunham look like Allison Williams. A marketing firm actually thought I should be the face of a company with the brand slogan Made from the Best Stuff on Earth. Man the 90’s were weird.”
Former Vice President Joseph Biden was unable to explain to media members on location how he ended up in this sticky situation at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial. “Listen, we’ve all been in this exact situation. Sometimes a night that starts out as your grandnephew’s christening snowballs and you end up fighting a police horse at 4 A.M.” The Scranton native stated. “It’s Noon o’clock somewhere,” he added with a wink, cracking open a PBR he seemed to conjure out of thin air.
Although the former Chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee has drawn criticism for his antics upon leaving office, some including the current President have spoken positively about Biden. “Do I, the President, a very smart, very powerful man, support, so to say, everything he does? No. Some stuff is both bad and, in fact, not good. But Mike Pence gives me the jeeby heebys. He calls his wife “mother” like a creep. He should want to fuck his daughter not his mother. Gross!” The President told the press yesterday.
In a tragic turn of events, local gun shop owner/self-proclaimed-deplorable Jefferson Davis Thompson bled to death after refusing medical attention Sunday. The man was said to be too occupied explaining that guns protect people to notice he had shot himself in the thigh. A doctor was on scene at the time of the incident but could not convince Thompson that he was in need of immediate care.
“You elitist libcucks think you know everything. Well guess what, YOU LOST! Make America Great Again!” Thompson said, as blood pooled at his feet. The Doctor pled with the man, which only seemed to further amuse Thompson. “Look at the snowflake, trying to give me free Obummercare like some communist Canadian. I bet you voted for Shillary. Benghazi…” Thompson slurred, losing energy as the blood poured from his wound.
Thompson died not long after in his bed chanting “Lock her up” as his last words. Thompson is survived by a battered wife, a closeted son, and a meth-addicted daughter. The family asks that well-wishers spit on an immigrant in lieu of flowers.
In a move that shocked members of Congress on both sides of the aisle, Vice President Mike Pence introduced an executive order banning all trans-fats. “Food either has fat in it or it doesn’t, trans-fat are unnatural and a slight against our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I won’t stand for this type of homosexual chicanery in our food stuff.” Pence said sternly in a press conference earlier today.
Liberals and Conservatives alike oppose the bill for differing reasons. “I’m all for banning unhealthy foods and limiting personal liberties, but I support the LGBQT communnity. I already feel guilty enough about not being gay,” A liberal said before fainting.
“Nothing is more American to me than attacking minorities and the disenfranchised but I’m allergic to anything that isn’t deep-fried in butter,” added a Conservative, panting from the effort.
Ultimately, President Trump is unlikely to agree with the bill but may sign it if Pence is able to sneak it onto his desk. “The President doesn’t have time to read every document he signs into law,” Pence explained. When asked where the President was at the moment, Pence responded, “statistically speaking, golfing, most likely.”
In an alarming and uncharacteristic display of competence President Trump solved what some considered an impossible task by ending the Israel-Palestine crisis. The millennia long dispute ended when Real Estate Mogul/Pro Wrestling Hall of Famer Trump suggested the two sides compromise on a time-share agreement.
President Trump explained, “Well as we all know, me more than most though, All Jewish people instinctively migrate to Florida for the winter, so I suggested, and this was a very brilliant idea by me, some would say the best idea, really just a tremendous idea, that they just let the Pomeranians(sic) have the keys to Jewrusalem(sic) for a few months. Benjamin Net Dot Yahoo (sic) should really agree to this plan, smart people are saying.”
President Netanyahu and President Mahmoud Abbas both seemed embarrassed for having not thought of this idea yet. “I guess he just has a bigger brain,” a defeated-looking Netanyahu said. Abbas nodded in agreement, before adding, “his hands are totally norma size too.”
President Trump became sexually aroused for the first time in over a decade while admiring the Western Wall on his first stop in his trip to the Middle East. A small but apparent lump grew in his suit as he fondled the wall. “Someday I’ll have a wall just like you in my backyard” the President whispered longingly to the Wall, mistakenly thinking the President legally owned America.
“You know, I think it’s fair to say, and people are saying it, it’s really true, no doubt
about it, that it’s a really great Wall, maybe the best, believe me” The president went on to say, “I’ve been in Jewland, one, two, five, some say 8 hours and I’ve yet to see a Mexican so I know it’s working. I’ve seen a few, you know, brown people, but they were the sand and oil kind, I think, not the kind that make my burritos, so it’s a bigly success, smart people would say.”
President Benjamin Netanyahu (misidentified as the “Jewish Pope” by President Trump) reportedly did not see the value in explaining the Wall did not act as a border.