Tebow Worked Out For The Birds Today

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow is working out for the Philadelphia Eagles, a source confirmed to ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter on Monday. Tim Tebow has served as an analyst for the SEC Network since he was released by the New England Patriots prior to the 2013 season. Tebow, who has been an analyst for the SEC Network, last played for the New York Jets in 2012 after playing two seasons with the Denver Broncos. He also was in training camp with theNew England Patriots before he was released in August 2013. He struggled to find consistency with the Patriots, completing 11 of 30 passes for 145 yards and two touchdowns and two interceptions in three preseason games.

My initial reaction:

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Sanchez+Tebow+Laughingstock Team In Green…Where have I seen this before?

But I’ve since calmed down. It’s only a try-out, totally non-committal. Maybe Jesus has finally decided it was time to give his most devote signal caller a decent arm. It’s very unlikely but if the documentary Angels in the Outfield taught me anything it’s that getting in good with the big guy upstairs can only help your team. Maybe this will wash away some of the bad karma for being Argentina to Dog Nazi Michael Vick after he got out of prison.

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The Time My Brother Lit Me On Fire

How was your Parade Day, Bill?

Oh, it was okay; drank a lot of beers hung out with some old friends. The one minor drawback was the part when my brother lit me on fire. But maybe I’m just being nit-picky; I’m sure nobodies day went exactly as they wanted it to.

To explain:

Saturday was Parade Day in Scranton aka Irish Christmas. It’s Scranton at it’s best, just a day filled with Irish music, tacky green t-shirts and enough alcohol to kill an army of Hasselhoffs. The day was rounding down nicely and against all odds I made it home safely albeit extremely hungry (to whomever gave me a ride home thanks a million). So my brother and I make the bold decision that though we’re drunker than a pair of Navajos on the first of the month we’re going to do our best Bobby Flay impressions. One burner being lit unannounced and one ill-advised reach for the microwave later and:

My back hurts a bit (2nd degree burns on 3% of my body) but mostly I’m pissed that my shirt got torched. On the bright side I now know what burning flesh smells like and I’ve ruled out the possibility that I’m secretly a Targaryen. The morale of the story is don’t get adventurous with your cooking decisions when you’re in the midst of a solid brown out. Don’t be a hero just order some wings and avoid becoming a Pink Floyd album cover.

PS- Fuck a cold shower and black coffee, nothing sobers you up faster than being lit on fire.

Rory McIlroy Just Castrated Tiger Woods

Wow did not see that one coming. Obviously Rory has been the cock of the PGA walk the past few years but it’s still surprising to see EA replace Tiger. EA didn’t replace John Madden when he started going full senile on air during Monday Night games. Because to a certain extent it’s not about who’s really the best. John Madden wasn’t the best coach and he certainly wasn’t the best announcer. And I am almost positive Madden knows less than nothing about video games. But his name is tied to the game he doesn’t understand and people take comfort in buying Madden every year. I guess Tiger Woods hasn’t been around long enough to cultivate that kind of brand loyalty

PS- It’s pretty funny that EA waited until now to drop Tiger instead of when the whole sex scandal came out. It’s okay for you to be a raging manwhore peeing on Denny’s waitresses the world over but you better still be able to compete for the Green Jacket.

Chip Traded Nick Foles For Professional Stretcher Rider Sam Bradford

The Eagles are close to getting themselves themselves another quarterback, acquiring Sam Bradford from the Rams in exchange for Nick Foles, with unspecified draft picks changing hands, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

This is a function of the Eagles currently having a ton of cap space, and Bradford being the last No. 1 pick under the old rookie-deal scheme. Bradford has one year left on his six-year, $76 million rookie deal, and as of now would cost $16.5 million against the cap. He’ll probably restructure, but wasn’t willing to take a pay cut in St. Louis.

Hey Stephen A. Smith:

You got in Chip Kelly’s head so much he traded Nick “Whitey” Foles for a guy who probably injured himself reading the tweet that he got traded, and just because he’s 1/16th Cherokee. Who’s the racist now, Stephen A.?

This trade leads to the question: is tanking contagious? It seems like Hinkie has convinced Kelly the key to winning is shedding cap space and hoarding picks. I was never totally sold on Foles but obviously Bradford is not the answer for Philadelphia. He’s perpetually injured and even when he’s not he’s slightly above average at best. If the Birds aren’t going after Mariota I have no clue what Chip is doing. With Gore backing out last minute civil rights leader Riley Cooper is our best offensive weapon right now.

Reggie Miller Tells A Story About The Time MJ Shit On Him

This story is pretty standard. A young player thinks he can come at the King and Jordan puts him in his place. The only thing that makes this worth noting is MJ referring to himself as Black Jesus. Such a cocky move. The problem with this (besides the whole blasphemy thing) is that someone already had that nickname. Earl “The Pearl” Monroe already called dibs on that nickname back in the 60’s. So while Black Jesus is obviously a more appropriate nickname for Jordan he can’t just take it. Sorry, MJ thems the rules.

PS- It was pretty selfish of Earl Monroe to take 2 awesome nicknames. Save some for the rest of us,dude.

PPS- This hit especially close to home as there was a kid in my high school who everyone called Tall Bastard even though I was 2 inches taller than him. It was such bullshit but those are the rules, Jordan.

These Two Are Trying To Have A Second Baby, Kim Says They Have Sex 500 Times A Day

Kanye West wasn’t joking when he said him and Kim are trying very hard to have another baby. In a teaser for the tenth season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim said the couple is having sex500 times a day” to try and get pregnant again. 

Do you think it’s occurred to either of them to try another position besides anal?

This Might Be The Worst Dunk Attempt In History

This is it. The worst dunk attempt of all time. It unseated these two gems to win that distinction.

Because unlike those bozos this guy is supposed to be a professional. And this goes beyond goofing up trying something fancy. This guy has absolutely zero spatial awareness. How does he think he’s anywhere close to the basket? He’s seen a court before, right?

I’m actually starting to think this was intentional. Watch it again. Even if he was in the same zip code as the rim he’s still well below it. I think this little guy knew he couldn’t throw down and was too embarrassed to admit it. He did this whole blindfold act to save face. In fact:

PS- The fact that I’m 6’5 and still can’t dunk is one of the most embarrassing things about me. I have the vertical of an injured rhinoceros. I can’t jump over a goddamn phonebook. It’s just plain sad.