The news that initially shook the golf world over the Memorial Day Weekend has been softened by a much more reasonable explanation, following the discovery that the PGA’s golden boy Tiger Woods and Hooter’s spokesman John Daly had swapped bodies. “I was the sports biggest star, beloved by the media and fans alike. I was an utter perfectionist; you think I’d throw that all away to have a bunch of Denny’s waitress pee on me?” said the real Tiger.
“The real Tiger, the one in John Daly’s body, has been trying to tell us about this since he won Insperity Invitational in early May.” a PGA official admitted. “We just assumed John was drunk as usual. Honestly, this wouldn’t be the first time Daly had attempted identity theft.”
“You play with the hand your dealt, and when someone or something turns you from a fat, perpetually sunburnt has-been to the peak athlete in your sport you don’t question.” The real Daly explained, between drags of his cigarette. “I went from banging the ugliest girls at the bar to banging Denny’s 6s. The lower mileage on the old booze Brita didn’t hurt either.” He added, pointing to what reporters assumed he thought was his liver before winking.
Scientists are baffled by what may have caused this body swap. “Maybe they accidentally switched balls during a lightning storm.” One idiot theorized.
Ivanka Trump is not the only member of the Trump administration gracing lifestyle magazines these days. Divorced Dad Quarterly has made the no-brainer decision to place the White House’s resident drunk uncle on the cover of their magazine. “He really is a perfect representative for our brand. The messy divorce, the somehow-sorta-connected antisemitic rants. The glossy, yellow blood shot eyes, the gin-blossom nose, the perpetual stubble. Not since Season-3-of-Friday-Night-Lights-Buddy Garrity have we had someone who so perfectly encapsulates what we as a magazine stand for. He’s a real deadbeat piece of shit is what we’re saying really.”
An attempt was made to reach out to the White House Chief Strategist but Bannon was reportedly busy drunk dialing his ex-wife and mumbling incoherently about “zionists” while leering at Jared Kushner.
The internet is abuzz with the most recent weight loss trend of shedding pounds by shedding organs. The movement seems to have started with Skylar Thome, a millenial Youtube star/baffling success story. “It all got started when my dumb grandpa got his kidney removed and lost hella weight lol. He got skinny af. He looked AMAZING at his viewing.” the convicted vapist said. “I first got my wisdom teeth and tonsils out. That was easy but I wanted to look into what else was taking up room. My idiot doctor wouldn’t take out my gallbladder or my kidney because of “the hippopotamus oath” or some shit. Luckily, doctors down in Rio are much more chill.”
Dr. Oz, the Surgeon General appointed by President Donald Trump, has raised some eyebrows within the medical community by endorsing these frivolous and downright dangerous procedures. “Medicine is not a science and nobody likes a fatty.” Oz commented. “Organ removal is the new tapeworm!”
Sean Spicer, the lone Catholic in the Trump administration was unable to attend the international field trip after he failed to provide a signed permission slip from his parents. Spicer, a man of devout faith was visibly distraught, pleading with the President to allow him to meet the Holy Father. “I’ve been a good boy! I take the fall for all of your missteps!” the White House whipping boy said, fighting back tears.
Pictured: Two Jews, A rapist, and the Pope, walking into a bar, presumably
Ultimately the Pro Wrestling Hall of Famer/Current President refused to yield to Spicer’s begging. “I don’t see what the big deal is. This pope guy gets zero tail.” The President said.
In a jarring transition Snapple, a giant of the tea and juice industry, has chosen to print alternative facts on their iconic bottle caps. “You mouthbreathers don’t even take the time to fact check the Commander in Chief, why should we bother having accurate Snapple facts? What even is the truth anymore? Who’s to say if “fidget spinners actually cause lupus” or “the scientific term for a group of gingers is actually a gaggle?” You shitpigs, will pour our diabetes water down your facehole regardless of what we print under the cap.” said a spokesman for the company.
The Snapple Lady, who was very, available for comment added, “remember me? I’m the frumpy lady that makes Lena Dunham look like Allison Williams. A marketing firm actually thought I should be the face of a company with the brand slogan Made from the Best Stuff on Earth. Man the 90’s were weird.”
Former Vice President Joseph Biden was unable to explain to media members on location how he ended up in this sticky situation at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial. “Listen, we’ve all been in this exact situation. Sometimes a night that starts out as your grandnephew’s christening snowballs and you end up fighting a police horse at 4 A.M.” The Scranton native stated. “It’s Noon o’clock somewhere,” he added with a wink, cracking open a PBR he seemed to conjure out of thin air.
Although the former Chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee has drawn criticism for his antics upon leaving office, some including the current President have spoken positively about Biden. “Do I, the President, a very smart, very powerful man, support, so to say, everything he does? No. Some stuff is both bad and, in fact, not good. But Mike Pence gives me the jeeby heebys. He calls his wife “mother” like a creep. He should want to fuck his daughter not his mother. Gross!” The President told the press yesterday.
In a tragic turn of events, local gun shop owner/self-proclaimed-deplorable Jefferson Davis Thompson bled to death after refusing medical attention Sunday. The man was said to be too occupied explaining that guns protect people to notice he had shot himself in the thigh. A doctor was on scene at the time of the incident but could not convince Thompson that he was in need of immediate care.
“You elitist libcucks think you know everything. Well guess what, YOU LOST! Make America Great Again!” Thompson said, as blood pooled at his feet. The Doctor pled with the man, which only seemed to further amuse Thompson. “Look at the snowflake, trying to give me free Obummercare like some communist Canadian. I bet you voted for Shillary. Benghazi…” Thompson slurred, losing energy as the blood poured from his wound.
Thompson died not long after in his bed chanting “Lock her up” as his last words. Thompson is survived by a battered wife, a closeted son, and a meth-addicted daughter. The family asks that well-wishers spit on an immigrant in lieu of flowers.